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An Update and a Turning Point

posted by Susan Dominikovich on , , , , ,

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Time for an update.

A little over two years ago after launching this blog I wrote the following words in a post about Me, who I am what I am doing here:

It isn't possible to blog at this level, to write of things that you hope will challenge, provoke, sometimes entertain and possibly even inspire others, without also being vulnerable.  If I were worried about privacy or how to share without sharing too much, there would be no point in even writing one more word.  And I, like everyone, have had experiences which make me far more guarded and protective than ever before.  But therein lies the point.  I've been on a journey.  A crazy one.  Everyone is on a journey and everyone has a story.  A great story.

I love other people's stories and I follow their blogs.  I have conversations with people and I ask questions.  I am not afraid to push a little deeper; I am not afraid that I may appear to be prying.  In my experience, people yearn to tell their stories.  I rarely get the brush off.  And there is a reason for this.  People need to tell their stories because they yearn to be connected.  In her research into shame and vulnerability Brene Brown discovered that the people to whom she refers as "whole-hearted" are people who "understand that what makes them vulnerable, makes them beautiful."  These are people who have courage, compassion and connection with others, and I love that Brown defines courage as "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."  Whole-heartedness.  The secret's out; my journey of vulnerability is in fact my desire to be whole-hearted. 

Two years later and every word still holds true.  In fact, having had my openness and unguardedness exploited, threatened and betrayed makes this even more an exercise in whole-heartedness and vulnerability.  However, it is now much less an adventure and much more a discipline.  It is something which requires courage and faith in which to proceed. It's a journey full of risk and uncertainty.

What has changed in these two years is some of the peripheral stuff of life, the situational trappings which shape and ground us. We no longer live in a small town in New Zealand, but a small city. We rent but are building a house nearby. Our children no longer attend a small country school but are enrolled in big city schools. I am still in love with the New Zealand landscape but with it comes the sadness of knowing it is not my own.  I am no longer teaching as I take care of our eldest child who is unwell.

Because chronic illness is now a part of our story. 

I am still a woman of faith but that faith is being challenged. Actually everything is being challenged.

I'm millennial in my thinking rather than Gen-x. I look for insight and wisdom from women like Rachel Held Evans and Sarah Bessey but I savour and mull everything without coming to any conclusions.  Yet.  It's a time of wandering and exploring amongst the one and only thing that I do know which is that there is no place for me in the modern evangelical Christian church. 

And so this is a turning point as I acknowledge out loud all of these things.

I also acknowledge that my faith is not and never has been in the church; and my faith in God has never let me down.

I am Susan Dominikovich:


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